


Shotgun Wedding

by JurassicParkour



Category: Carry On - Fandom
Genre: Baz is obsessed, M/M, Mafia AU, help him please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-10 03:22:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18651877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JurassicParkour/pseuds/JurassicParkour
Summary: Mafia AU in which the Pitch family is the lead family of a crime ring and Simon Snow is somehow part of the policeforce despite all his issues. Baz Pitch, in order to be initiated into the family business, has to kill an officer of the law. And, in this case, that officer is Simon Snow.





	Shotgun Wedding

Simon Snow started out as a rumor among the Pitch family. A rumor that grew into a reality too fast for my comfort. Some police force protege that had been practically adopted by the captain. Pulled right out of school and forced into tailing a guy who insisted that everyone call him the Mage. What kind of name is that?  
I felt a little bad for Snow. Putting up with all those frivolities and legal proceedings must be pretty boring for some adhd kid.  
Then again I don’t. He’ll get everything handed to him on a silver platter by "the Mage". I mean, it’s not like I won’t, but still. It’s the concept of him. Simon fucking Snow.

 

These days, Snow is all I think about. But that’s normal when you have a target. And your family wants you to plan the exact moment of his death.

 

It’s not the fact that I’m killing someone that bothers me. I’ve been around death my entire life. It’s the idea that I am killing the curly headed, mole ridden shadow of the Mage. And I could get caught.  
But then again, I was taught since birth how to kill someone 102 ways with a soup spoon. Snow has only been with the police captain for, what, a year now?  
I sigh into my pillow, silver streams of moonlight blocked out by the plushness. It’s tiring work being an assassin. Even more tiring for an assassin part of a renowned mafia family. 

I sit back up, running my fingers over the photographs of the pictures I’ve taken from my phone of Snow. He’s an odd sort of handsome, one that you think ‘oh he’s handsome, but too chaotic for anyone to love. He goes too fast.’ I have to chuckle at that. His head seems a little too big for his body in this one. But maybe that’s because he’s a little malnourished even after a year of being treated like a prince. He could have all the food he wanted at the station. But he still looks too thin. His eyes are sunken in, his mouth is too wide for his face. I snap my phone off and throw it to the pillow beside me. I shouldn’t be analyzing what he looks like. His behaviors are what matters.

It’s typical of my family to throw their problems on me. Snow is the problem. He’s an issue that they want taken care of. And I’m their first pick. 

 

They said that I needed to be initiated. I’m finally an adult in their eyes and apparently that means, at least for an assassin, that I get to plan my first actual murder. Of course, I’ve practiced. A lot. But this might be the first time I’ve actually been aiming for a person at long range. They said it’d be easier. 

 

Simon Snow is a mess. He’s a bomb within the police force. Supposedly he’s never had any training. But I’ve seen what’s on the news. You can’t do that without training. It’s actually impossible. There’s no way a kid that looks like that can bring three criminals to their knees that fast. But it’s only happened a few times that I’ve seen. The rest of the time, the Mage ends up taking the lead. And Snow is in the back looking like he might be constipated or something. 

I’m so lost in thought that I don’t even realize that the door has opened.  
“Baz… Basil… Basilton”  
My eyes meet Fiona’s.  
“What.”  
“Dinner time, kiddo,” and she smiles at my snappiness. Typical Fiona.  
I let out an exasperated sigh that I hope she catches as she stands in the doorway waiting.  
“Caught up in thought?”  
“You could say that.”  
“Well hurry up, the family’s waiting on you.”  
I slide off my bed, grabbing my phone as I do. 

At the Pitch family dinners, we don’t talk about the normal things. There’s no “how was your day” or “did you see the neighbor’s peonies?” There’s none of that.  
“So, Basil,” Fiona asks through half eaten food, “any advancement on Snow?”  
I sigh. Again.  
“Not really, he’s doing the same thing he was yesterday. Just shadowing the police like a dog.”  
Honestly, Simon Snow can accurately be described as a guard dog. He’s… heated, alive. Just active in every sense of the word. He’s a loose canon. Let him off his leash and he’ll tear you to shreds. He might actually be insane.  
There’s a betting pool going around in the Grimm-Pitch family as well. Bets to see how I decide to kill Simon Snow. Poison. Suffocation. Drowning. The usual creative stuff. But I was going to shoot him. From two buildings away. As always, there was a deadline. A week from today. Today was Monday. How else could I make Snow’s short life worse but to kill him on a Monday?  
Surprisingly enough, I’m not nervous about it. We have family in the police as well. A good portion of the lower working desk officers, if you can call them that, are paid off. Unfortunately, the Mage’s higher ups are practically untouchable. I swear they were all trained as monks at one time or another. So unless someone sees me, which, they won’t, (No one ever bothers to look up anyway) I’ll be fine. Completely fine. After all, it’s just a murder.  
I watch as my stepmother spoon feeds the baby copious amounts of fruit and vegetable sludge. I can hardly remember my mother. I was 5. Sim- Snow was 5. I would love to say that it was raining when she died, like the world wept at her loss. But it was clear. And sunny. Like world didn’t care. Why should it? That was my first lesson in how the world was cruel to people like my family and I. A cruel world for cruel people. I can’t decide if I’m considered “cruel people.”  
As soon as everyone else is finished with dinner and I’m done cringing, I head up to the guest room I’ve made into something out of a buddy cop movie. I close the door behind me. There are pictures of Snow pasted along the corkboard, all connected with red yarn. Don’t ask how I got those.  
Simon Snow is a disaster of a person. He’s unorganized. And yet, somehow, despite being a liability, he’s still the pet of the Mage. He’s still manipulated by the bullshit the man feeds into his mind. I’ve wondered what makes him so special before. And it probably wouldn’t be the last within the next week. Somehow, Simon Snow is special. Somehow, he knows something the rest of my family doesn’t.  
And I’m going to murder him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know what you all think! Hopefully, more chapters will be up soon, so be sure to check back!  
> -Theo


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